August, 2017

A Love Letter

“My little Cocoa Bean, my baby, I’m home waiting to miscarry you and I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do with myself.  It is such a surreal time.  The doctor said you died last week and I should deliver you this week.  You were only 7 weeks old, not even sure if you ever had a little heartbeat but I think you did.  I already loved you and had made big plans . . .  Dad and I think you were a little girl.  I ache for you, my baby, and wanted you so much.  Just know that you will always have a little place in my heart.  Be safe and happy in heaven and I hope some day to meet you there and hold you.  God take care of my baby.  I love you.  Mom”

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Some Facts

“Most men and women wrongly believe that miscarriage is highly uncommon.  According to national estimates, roughly 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, defined as the loss of a fetus before the 20th week.  The majority of miscarriages occur within the first seven weeks of pregnancy.”  Catherine Pearson (Huffpost.com, 10/17/2013)

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A Response

For many years, Nurse Patti A. Krenz, RN (patticake1960@att.net) has provided support and solace to untold mothers and fathers who have experienced a miscarriage or stillborn infant death.  She does this through a monthly support group, a May Walk to Remember held outdoors at the Riverwalk in Bay City, MI, and a Christmas Memorial Service held in early December in a local parish church.  “What I have found from my experience supporting parents through their loss,” she wrote, “is that they need acknowledgement, that their baby is not forgotten, and that they are not alone.”

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The Ritual

Of all the options offered to parents and grandparents, the Christmas Memorial Service is by far the most attended.  Nurse Krenz commented, “The Memorial is beautiful, with readings from a few parents and a message from a pastor or pastoral minister.  The event is advertised as non-denominational so everyone can attend but having it held in a church is appropriate and helpful.  We have someone that plays music, including one of the physicians who plays the violin.  We do a roll call of each baby’s name and the family brings an ornament up with the baby’s name on it and places it on the Christmas tree.  When they place the ornament on the tree, they are greeted by a couple who also lost a baby, giving the family a flower so they don’t return to their place empty-handed.  This is followed by a candle lighting ritual which is done during the recitation of a poem.  At the end, we all sing Away in the Manger and then we retire to the social hall for cookies and punch.

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“The support these families derive from one another is obvious.  Many friendships and social bonds have formed over the years.  I am proud of this and how it has grown.  The main idea is offering support to the families and the feeling they get by knowing they are in a safe place where they can talk about their baby and spend time remembering.  Often family, friends and co-workers judge them and feel that they should ‘get over their loss and move on.’  Lack of support from family and friends is often a hot topic at this service and the support group meetings.  We offer suggestions and other parents are able to relate to them and let them know how they were able to get through these difficult situations.  On one occasion two elderly women saw the notice in the newspaper and came to the memorial.  They each had had a miscarriage over sixty years ago and never had a chance to talk about it.  It was sad but it is so true.  Our motto is, ‘A short time to live, a lifetime to love.’”

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Tom Sweetser, SJ